The Elegant Power of Separation for Relationships

Paula Moderson-Becker, self portrait

Though maybe it seems like a strange topic for the holiday season—I wanted to touch on the elegant + mysterious power of separation. 

Sometimes leaving is the best way to understand things. Stepping away from whatever confuses or frustrates you: A relationship. A career. It certainly made my vocational path more clear when I took a sabbatical in 2010 from medicine (I tell that Story in my memoir Swimming with Elephants).

It can be especially potent for women to take a break from a long term relationship or marriage. To separate. For a few days. A few months….

I was in Chicago this week to see my sister, comedian Maria Bamford, perform and we went to the art institute of Chicago to see the remarkable work of the German artist Paula Moderson-Becker. Her self portraits and nudes were quirky and arresting!

Just as her art career was taking off, Paula fell in love and married. Her parents told her it was time to put her art-making away and focus on family (she had a young step daughter).

At some point, she felt suffocated and left her husband behind to go to Paris to make art. She was very conflicted about her roles of wife/mother vs. artist.

In that time away, she found she was fully reborn, “I am Me!”, she reported in a letter to family. And she became determined to become more of herself every day.

That physical separation helped her to become more authentic and clear in herself and her creative work. Eventually, she and her husband reconnected. She died, tragically, at 31 years of age, shortly after the birth of her first child.

Another powerful woman creator, cookbook author Ina Garten, also shared how a separation set her free. Listening to Ina’s memoir (beautifully read by her!), I was relieved to hear that she and her beloved Jeffrey also ran into a difficult spot in their marriage. I had always assumed they were just “the lucky ones” who were just meant to be together. She describes their separation and near divorce in the 19070’s.

”It was the hardest thing I ever did. I told him that I needed to be on my own. I didn’t say whether it was for now … or forever. In true Jeffrey form, he said, ‘If you feel like you need to be on your own, you need to do it.’ He packed his bag and went home to Washington with no plan to come back. I buried my emotions and threw myself into my work.”

Ina eventually believed that they were headed for divorce when Jeffrey asked if there was anything he could do to change her mind. She asked him to go to therapy. He went.

She needed him to recognize that her role would not only be as a doting wife but also, very importantly, as a devoted creative entrepreneur.

He did and their relationship blossomed again from that day on.

One of my absolutely favorite women, Ann Mars, my piano teacher and mother of seven children, confessed her own story of separation with me. 

Their children were little (it was the 60’s) and her husband Bob failed to understand the value of paying a babysitter. So, Ann left for several days and took herself up the northshore to commune with nature.

Bob, her husband, was left to contend, presumably alone, with the seven kids. 

In that place away from home, surrounded by Lake Superior, the boreal forest and the flowers (and I believe she mentioned talking with God about it), Ann decided that she would simply tell Bob that she was getting a sitter and that they would pay her very well.

When Ann returned home, Bob did not argue with this plan and harmony was restored. They remained married for 67 years before their deaths.

Leaving has also played an important role in my own partnership. In my grief and heartbreak after my dad died, I simultaneously realized that my own marriage was on life support with a poor outlook.

When I told Mark that I needed to physically leave for a while, it felt like the hardest thing I’d ever done in our 33 years of marriage.  I didn’t want to hurt him, but I was no longer willing to go on as we were.

I wasn’t sure what was going to happen next, but after a few months I was pretty convinced that whatever was broken couldn’t be fixed. I read somewhere that after 3 months apart, it’s extremely unlikely that a couple will remain married.

And, then, in a terribly unexpected hail Mary sort of plot twist, we reconciled.

With the help of a good therapist, and our mutual willingness to work on ourselves, we began to move towards eachother again.

It’s  been roughly 13 months since our separation ended and in that time, our marriage has become a beautiful treasure.

I cannot express how grateful I am for it. 

There is something powerful about having time alone with yourself. To discover what you think…what you feel…what you like….what you really want.

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Recommended reading: “Uncoupling” We went through this book together and did the suggested discussions/meet ups. It was difficult and important work that, ultimately, brought us back together. It was also help you get divorced with peace.

I also just read “Wedding Toasts I’ll Never Give” by Ada Calhoun and boy it resonated!

Much love,

Sarah

P.S. Soon we are going to practice adding one small habit for 30 days…it will be a mini-creative soul retrieval! You can learn more here and register.

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